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How can I improve this character?

This is the image I had in mind when I was writing about Marie: http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r61/radiosonde/006.jpg Name: Marie Elizabeth Summers Date of birth: 23rd April 1986 Place of birth: Paris in a flat near the seine Religion: None but was brought up under the influence of the light of god Age: 22 Hair colour: Pale blonde Eye colour: icy blue Nationality: French Height: 5ft 2 Weight: 105 pounds Parents: Elise Marie Summers and Pierre Charles Summers Family History: On Wednesday 23rd April 1986, Marie Elizabeth was born at 16:04 at their family home in Paris. Elise died during child birth. Pierre went into a downward spiral and joined a religious cult – the light of god - and took Marie with him. Being in the cult prevented Marie from being called Marie as it was part of her mother's name, her father changed her first name to Maria just so he left like he still had part of his wife still in his daughter. Marie grew up in the cult becoming more rebellious day by day. She didn't feel like she belonged in the cult so she began to question the ethics and rules of the cult. At the age of 19 female members of the cult are to have sex with the leader of the cult to mature into a woman as it's believed the leader is a descendant of god. The day before her 19th birthday Marie disappeared from the cult and has been ever since. Before running away Marie never had a proper relationship with her father due to being brought up in the cult. She never had the chance to develop a proper relation to him as she was constantly being punished for her 'free thinking' and for her rebellious behaviour. She never has forgiven him for standing there in silence as she was viciously beaten until she was unconscious. Marie now lives in England under her birth name but wears a wig as she couldn't bring herself to dye her hair and she wears contacts instead of glasses. She learnt English before she arrived to England aged 20. Marie lives in constant fear that she'll be found and taken back to the cult. If she's found she knows that she could either be beaten then forced to go through the rite of passage to become a woman or she'll be killed. She fears that if she's found that she'll not be able to escape again like she did in Paris four months after she disappeared at 18. Marie is a talented dancer and musician, something she didn't learn until she ran away. To earn money she danced in the street and played instruments she bought or stole when others weren't looking. She wasn't able to get a job as she didn't have any formal education despite not having any formal education and only the rules and ethics shoved down her throat she is an intelligent girl. She learnt English by watching English programmes with French subtitles and listening to English music. In England, Marie works as a part time dance teacher as well as giving private music lessons. She also does some cleaning work when things get tough for her. She does fall in love. She falls in love with someone who is a prince, everyone else knows he's a prince except her. And she starts to act normal until they go out together and hit the headlines. She only finds out when she gets a dresing down by his father for not dressing him properly and then she trys to fix everything so the prince doesn't get hurt trying to protect her.

Public Comments

1. I love the story cant wait till i read the whole thing
2. Theres not much you could do to improve make some enemies some friends lovers and some deep dark secrets maybe one of her friends is killed by a enemy cult and she is out for revenge maybe she becomes blood thirsty creation is at your hands =] i love making characters.
3. I'm stealing this, thanks.
4. Er...I'm not sure how you would like us to 'improve' the character. You already have a very nice picture in your head, which is the thing essential to getting to know your characters. What I would do to understand your character more is this writing exercise. I'll give a couple of situations, and you place Marie in those situations and write about how she would react based on HER personal fears, personality, etc. Some situations: ~ Marie is in a hurry to get to work and runs across the road when the red light is not properly off yet. The crossgaurd starts yelling at her. What does she do? How does she react? ~ On a whim, she goes with a friend to a nightclub. Her friend leaves her alone on the dance floor. A okay looking guy starts talking to her. What does she do? ~What are her favorite activities? Does she have a pet? What does she fear? What does she dream about? You have a VERY interesting story going. I would love to read it once it's done. =] Good luck!!! EDIT: I would make Marie fall in love with this mysterious guy she meets one day at night coming home from dance. He says strange things, like he knows her past, which she has left behind. Marie is intrigued and wants to know about him, yet her instincts tell her to shy away. Little by little, she starts to realize that he's familiar. She starts having disturbing dreams and premonitions but she can't seem to get away from this guy.
5. The end does not really make any sense...How could she get a job as a dance teacher when you stated earlier, "she had no education and couldn't get a job". Maybe, you could say that somebody noticed her skill and offered her a job. Maybe someone could take her in as a servant or something. Or maybe someone offers her a lot of money to be a sex slave. Who knows how disgusting you could make this character but congratulations! You got me interested!